Feminism For Bimbos 2: Redefining Reality
In our previous entry, we kicked off our special “Feminism for Bimbos” segment with the basic necessities of surviving a horror movie. Now that we have decided to expand our lesson on basic female behavior and the worst examples within the human condition, our next subject is at least slightly less fictional than that which only appears on film: The Reality Show Skank. Known to the field of Bimbology as Omigod Lookatus, the Reality Show Skank is a contagious species of what would otherwise be a functioning adult female and is instead a narcissistic, combative and potentially dangerous creature that should be approached by no regular human.
Like the Dumbassus Deadus described in the previous entry, the Omigod Lookatus also has its incredibly nerve-grating male equivalents. The species itself typically resides on the beach, in a hot tub, or anywhere else that allows them to wear as little clothing as possible. Avoiding fattening foods outside of the occasional fried pickle soaked in innuendo, the Omigod Lookatus instead relies on a liquor-based diet to maintain its lifestyle and reputation. Unlike the Horror Movie Fodder, however, the Reality Show Skank is not a head-scratchingly passive species. On the contrary, the Reality Show Skank is one that will initiate an overblown crisis and/or altercation with anyone for no reason other than to maintain its natural habitat via “ratings”. For without ratings, the Omigod Lookatus has no place whatsoever in which he or she can function as a human being besides an already overcrowded urban prison system.
So, considering the outrageous waste of oxygen that is this species, the female version of it must be addressed in our series for the sake of any young and impressionable female human
looking for a serious role model. Whether getting arrested again in New Jersey or digging for gold in Beverly Hills, the selfish and virulent Reality Show Skank is one of the most dangerous influences for any human female to have. While the Dumbassus Deadus is a species that cannot survive, the Omigod Lookatus is one that probably should not be allowed to do so. Treatments for this type of female often range from detox to community service, but often fail immediately once the camera is there to watch the species go through either of them. Generally, the Omigod Lookatus is both useless and potentially dangerous to any environment inhabited by whole and complete people. During the weekend, entire towns suffer the consequences of their overzealous methods of consumption, reproduction, and self-assertion. If it weren’t for the force of ratings, this species would probably be snuffed out for good. Unfortunately, ratings being what they are, that will probably not happen anytime soon.
Images of the Lookatus are provided thanks to “Jersey Shore” and “Flavor Of Love”.
Feminism For Bimbos: Surviving A Horror Movie
In our culture, w
e have many great works of art and film that have presented the feminine ideal. From glamorous to no-nonsense to just plain kick-ass, women have been inspired and men have been fantasizing like crazy. These are not the kinds of women that will be discussed in “Feminism For Bimbos”.
For to reach the pinnacle of the female ideal, one must first think of the basic laws of common sense. For example, not getting yourself killed. Because unless you’re into the necrophiliac type, there is no such thing as post-mortem sex appeal. That is why we at Creative Imbalances have decided to start off “Feminism for Bimbos” with what is probably the worst female archetype of them all: The Horror Movie Fodder.
The Horror Movie Fodder (Dumbassus Deadus) in female form is a woman who resembles the normal human female, except for perhaps a number of artificial enhancements attached to attract both the male Dumbassus Deadus as well as crude weaponry such as kitchen knives, machetes, handmade bladed gloves, etc. The female Horror Movie Fodder, with enhancements like these, is therefore frequently unable to run without falling or to fight without flailing her arms in a fashion that looks more like she’s trying to fend off the air than an actual attacker. And in the presence of monsters characterized by 20th century latex or fur suits or 21st century computer generated alterations, the female Horror Movie Fodder has no chance of reacting with anything except full-fledged screaming. Whereas the average, healthy human female would be able to run without falling and generally avoid wooded areas known to inhabit huge guys walking around in hockey masks, the female Dumbassus Deadus is likely to not only venture willingly into this Darwinist’s fantasy, but also to pressure their male Dumbassus Deadus companions to come along with them and mate right in the open where they will both lose to the rule of Survival of the Fittest — thereby removing any possibility of procreation for this species.
One would think that a species such as the Dumbassus Deadus would have been extinct long ago. However, with the help of the semi-natural force of nature known as The Box Office, they still exist in droves. And as this species of subhuman animal is probably the lowest of all evolutionary archetypes, one must therefore assume that the female version of Dumbassus Deadus is probably the worst role model for the human female if she is to achieve that desired “still breathing” look that most fully human males tend to prefer. So, in the interest of writing a pro-feminism series in our blog without our inbox crashing under the storage weight of badly spelled death threats, we have decided to start first with the “not getting killed” aspect of female empowerment instead of approaching anything political. Because no killer or assailant is justified in violence, but the issue still remains that some of you out there really need help with the basics.
Images from “Psycho” (1960) and “House of Wax” (2005)
The Passion Of Sidney Lumet
Director and film legend Sidney Lumet died today, April 9th, 2011. Instead of writing a long tribute, I decided to take the time to let Lumet’s most legendary films speak for themselves… just as they always did.
It’s Official: Elizabeth Taylor’s Nudes Have Gone Viral
Since the death of legendary actress, beauty symbol and activist Elizabeth Taylor, those within the general public have taken time to reflect on a person who was, indeed, always full of surprises. And even after the death of the screen legend and personality, we are still looking at what’s new in the personal life of what may have been one of the most brilliant celebrity strategists in our history. She has always been there for purposes of shock and awe, and apparently she has done it again.
A blog post in an online British publication was the first source brought to the attention of us at Creative Imbalances, and the first thing we thought was, “This picture is going to be everywhere tomorrow”. Sure enough, a second Twitter message appeared with a link to the same photo from a user’s Twitpic. (Probably NSFW.) What was more interesting? It was brought to our attention via a retweet from the account of Renowned-Film-Critic-turned-Twitterholic Roger Ebert, which kind of has us wondering what else Mr. Ebert does with his computer time. (Answer: Don’t they all?)
Though we at Creative Imbalances are not old enough to remember the screen icon from those years, we like to think that the crafty lady behind the violet eyes may have had something to do with the photo being released during the time of her remembrance. And we like to think that there was so much more than beauty behind this woman in terms of how she managed to have an impact on our culture. Her use of celebrity influence to bring the importance of AIDS research to a public who shied away from the subject is the stuff of legend that goes beyond any pretty picture. Her influence on women in general and how they could be both beautiful and brilliant will not be forgotten either.
Dame Elizabeth Taylor, most Hollywood celebrities are morons. Not you. Not then, and not even now that you have left this earth. The Internet thanks you and all you have done, even if Roger Ebert might have some explaining to do at home.
Gilbert Ducks Up Big Time
According to some breaking news, actor and comedian Gilbert Gottfried just lost his job as the voice of the Aflac Duck. While we avoid pointing out that the animal is clearly a goose with a duck’s voice, we will instead address the reason for the firing. In Gottfried’s Twitter, he apparently made comments about the recent natural cataclysm in Japan that, according to the company, “were lacking in humor and certainly do not represent the thoughts and feelings of anyone at Aflac.” The company, which happens to do a great deal of business in Japan, probably made a good move here. Considering the number of people who could do a Gilbert Gottfried impression at the drop of a very small paycheck, replacement should not be too difficult. As for Gottfried, we at Creative Imbalances have just one question: What the hell were you thinking?
Seriously, dude, Japan is one of the most technologically wired nations on Earth. Making remarks about the country on your Twitter is almost like trying to sell containers of vegemite with, “Australia Sucks!” written on them. In technological terms, this sort of thing is described as “self-pwnage”, especially when we are all dealing with an unstable global economy that has everybody’s P.R. firm stuck in the middle of Paranoid City. I also doubt that Disney/Pixar will be able to hire you to play that annoying parrot from “Aladdin” if they should get the idea to remake it in 3-D. (Note to Disney: Please don’t.) But as far as your career is concerned, this story will probably last about as long as the average Internet meme. So after less than a year or so, those in charge of appeasing the masses will care about this incident about as much as most real-life people do. Just don’t go on UStream like Charlie Sheen did, because the human eardrum can only stand so much abuse through computer headphones.
Charlie Sheen’s New Gig As Gadhafi Translator
Since people can’t seem to stay awake during the real news that’s going on, we at Creative Imbalances have decided to merge the big story with the one you’re probably following instead:
Now, what was that about the protesters being on drugs?
Random Recommendations, 2/24/11
Apparently after a long span of microblogging our thoughts, we forgot to actually put anything significant in our regular blog. We’re sure we are not the first of our kind to make this mistake, but we apologize nonetheless. Meanwhile, we have also removed the rather ineffective Facebook badge from the site, as something got a little screwy with the sign-in process. Perhaps if we at Creative Imbalances knew what the hell we were doing, neither of these things would have happened.
Meanwhile, we have spent a great deal of our social networking resources on promoting author Karen Russell’s Swamplandia! and we will keep on doing so until such a time as everyone has finally read it and rejoiced at a new age of Post-Sparkling Vampire Fiction. Because, to be honest, the good authors are the ones who deserve the real rewards. No longer should literature be about name recognition or who knows whom, but rather which books are actually worth reading in and of themselves. We at Creative Imbalances hate to sound bitter, but the medium of writing novels should not continue to fall victim to being under the power of those who merely linger around book readings looking for the big stars and bigger connections. Seriously, stop that. We know what you’re doing and it’s irritating. Take it elsewhere, please. Thank you.
Finally, we would like to close this entry with a few words about Iron Sky. Destined to be a cult hit if enough word gets out beyond Britain, this epic gem on Nazis living on the dark side of the moon (Not Pink Floyd’s old record execs.) has won some acclaim. As for distribution, hopefully someone in the Indie field won’t be too offended by a film featuring a space station shaped like a swastika:
For those who may be curious enough, here’s the link to the YouTube channel promoting Iron Sky in all its speculative sci-fi glory. Cheers! 
2011 Grammy Award Recounts Under Way
We at Creative Imbalances are strapped for approval in a competitive Internet market. So we have decided to take the extra step in gathering (Okay, maybe kidnapping.) several people and persuading them via lack of food, water or sleep to look at any irregularities involving the 2011 Grammy Awards Winner for Best New Artist. Why? Because the Internet does not rest, and neither do our teenage daughters.
News Digest, 2/13/2011
Here is this week’s News Digest, brought to you by the blogger’s morning coffee.
As we prepare for the 2011 Grammy Awards™, we have a significant development in the troubled saga of one multiple Grammy Award winner. Billy Joel™ (Yes, the name really is copyright restricted for some odd reason.) of such singles as “Piano Man” and albums as 1978′s The Stranger, has issued his reply to his long-time touring partner, Elton John, who recently caused a stir in his statements that Joel™ needs serious help. Mr. Joel™ has apparently said, “I do not hate Elton John,” and “I do not want to punch him in the face”. Mr. Joel™, who took boxing lessons during his childhood, went on to say that Sir Elton has his number if he still wishes to call. In related entertainment news, the Grammy Awards™ are not preparing to embarrass the living crap out of Chris Brown by having Eminem’s Rihanna-featured single, “Love the Way You Lie” beat his nominated work in front of him and an audience of millions of laughing music lovers. Also, this blog is not run by just one person with serious issues, and that one person does not refuse to discuss Justin Bieber on this blog unless he officially promises to please, please, PLEASE go away.
Meanwhile, in actual news, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has finally stepped down. That’s the good news. The bad news, however, is that apparently the citizens of Egypt need the space in which the protesters
are having a giant party for their cars to make it to work. Therefore, what was yesterday a great moment in history is today a pretty big traffic jam. One can only imagine how hard it is to get traffic through a great historic moment when traffic jams are bad enough with accidents and construction. It is not known yet whether the protest signs carried by the camping crowd will have to be replaced with signs indicating where traffic should and should not be headed. Meanwhile, the Egyptian Revolution has sparked new debate over the fact that social networking was its primary tool. It is not yet known whether that guy you knew in college who treated his schizophrenia with “medical” marijuana will be blogging even more than usual, although human nature itself suggests that he probably will.
Also, as electronic media becomes more and more relevant in today’s society, we as a blog feel that is necessary to clear up any potential misunderstandings before they occur. Specifically, we mean that New York Congressman Christopher Lee, who stepped down amid sexting allegations with some lady on Craig’s List, is not the British actor of the same name. We sent a tweet about this difference earlier, but we figured that we should make it clearer. Because, frankly, this scenario is not something that we want to imagine. Actor Christopher Lee, known as Saruman the White in the Lord of the Rings films, Dracula in many Hammer horror films, and many other generally villainous tall guys in films that work well with a temperamental British actor with a low voice playing the adversary, is far from that kind of person. Also, he is pushing ninety and that’s just plain wrong. Not that the congressman’s picture was all that great, but it was certainly better than the picture that may come to the mind of someone who may have gotten two people with the same name mixed up.
REVIEW: Bloodsucking Freaks (1976)
As a film fanatic, I wasn’t certain what the first subject of the Bad Movie Analysis would be. There are so many films whose infamous qualities and bad press have made any additional commentary almost completely superfluous. So, I decided that the first review would be something of a brave feat. In other words, I had to pick one that was a severe and painful challenge to sit through for many, many obvious reasons. Bloodsucking Freaks is a film that goes past the belly of the beast and into the very bowels. Because all the while, its true purpose is to show the audience, critics and censors how much it does not give a shit. Truly a statement of the fed-up artist, but how strong a statement?
The answer is… very strong. Yes, VERY strong. Seriously, enough. You made your point. No, stop showing us that. Now. Oh god, not the brains through the straw scene, nooooooo…
Yes, as you can imagine, this film has what may feel like no limits. It seems, in fact, quite a feat that one can put this many excruciating torture scenes together on celluloid. The film has a plot, but of course that’s not what we’re going for when watching a film like this. We’re also not looking for acting, dialogue, or anything even approaching plausibility. Instead, we’re wondering whether or not we can sit through all ninety minutes of what is essentially a torturing of the audience.
The 1970′s were an exciting decade for daring films, both great and not so great. The history-making 1960′s had been over for a while. The Summer of Love gave way to the Autumn of Question and was headed towards a Winter of Backlash. And still, this reviewer wasn’t even born yet. Unfortunately, that has not stopped me from eventually viewing this movie while resisting its persistent dare to turn it off. The film is about torture and sadism, full of torture and sadism and set in a “Theater of the Macabre” in an over-the-top seedy depiction of an evil, corrupt… and yet still unlikely New York City. The theater on film gives us a “show within a show” theme that is probably the only intelligently done aspect of the entire film. In fact, it leaves one to wonder if the movie didn’t start off as an intelligent premise before it was made as terrible as possible. Remember, this is the same decade that brought us Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. But unlike the farcical humor in that film, the humor in this film is overshadowed by its insidiousness. In its true intent, the movie itself becomes its own subject.
And yet, the “Theater of the Macabre” shown in Joel Reed’s film goes deeper in showing us an audience of people who are supposedly as diverse as the movie-going public. One is a celebrity dancer who is sucked into this show. Another is a critic, a character who never misses an opportunity to speak of how trashy the show is. So, as if to speak directly to anyone who may be a film critic watching this movie, the guy is a stereotypically pretentious cynic who also gets tortured right in front of us. In other words, this film has any professional critics in the audience covered as well.
Back when this film was released, Troma films was merely a small distribution company working out of a janitor’s closet. Even the titans of The Toxic Avenger have stated that they had no hand in how the film was made, and no knowledge of
what exactly they were releasing until it was already seen by a seriously outraged few. Later on, of course, Troma would make its own infamous multitude of campy splatter and nudity cult classics. Director and co-founder Lloyd Kaufman, a Yale graduate, would show himself to be an ingenious salesman and spokesperson for the company. So one may wonder just how much this guy didn’t know before he did know it. Even today, your average Troma film shows the same spirit of dare-you-to-watch-it awfulness that shakes its intent on shocking the audience right in the face of even the most trained cynics. And when they’re not making these films, they are in fact still distributing them. Unfortunately, the fact that we are all trained cynics in this Information Age makes it harder for Troma to do the kinds of things that can now be shot digitally with a webcam and posted to an audience that doesn’t have the dreaded censors needed to pump up the mainstream press.
So if anything, the film stays relevant for what it once was: An actual movie. Back in the 1970′s, before rentals, piracy, and live streaming made it just another item in the queue. As Hollywood is at the point where it has to remake all of its old films and bring back 3-D, the movie theater may soon become nothing more than a very atmospheric popcorn concession stand. And then, at that point, the only horror left will be the fact that we have all seen better.
